“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
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Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein