me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
You Might Also Like
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Oh. My. God.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes