Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
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If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it