Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
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damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Never mess with a drunken pig.
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.