nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
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[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
dads on road-trips be like
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.