Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
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I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The morning after pill, but for tweets
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are