*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
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Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”