I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.