[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
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Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
O Wise One….
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.