An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
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*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
2022 be like
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.