If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
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I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!