ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
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karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.