You Might Also Like
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
“Last Christmas” is a strange song. It’s been 12 months and we’re just now addressing this situation?
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Hit me in the face with a bird
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too