son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
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[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
Yup
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou