[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
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No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand