This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
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[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
my favorite genre of twitter
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
In banana years, I am bread.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME