*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
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I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Florida man
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I love art.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.