“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
I love when people ask if pets are adopted, like no, I was in labour for 28 hours and it was an all natural birth, thanks for asking Linda
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Canadian owl: Eh?
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.