In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
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Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
[Theater]
GF: I got M&M’s.
Me: I can’t eat those here.
GF: Why?
M: *exasperated sigh* Because it’s too dark to separate them by color.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life