Me: 47 MESSAGES IN UNDER 3 MINUTES?!
Genie: I told you wishing your dog could send you texts was a bad idea
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My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence