SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
repaired
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
broke down and did it
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…