Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
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A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
#Caturday
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.