I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
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Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking