me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”