My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
.
.
.
.
.
.
A wherewolf.#happyhalloween
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.