#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
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CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
stand with me against insufficient seating
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised
that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Looking at you, Jesus.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.