It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.