my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
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I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room