No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
Three: the left ear, the right ear, and the final front ear.
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.