[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
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Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.