[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
I want to see a combination celebrity chef and magician. Like when they put it in the oven it was baked risotto but when they take it out of the oven it’s corn dogs.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property