Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
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[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.