This gonna be me in 2 weeks
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mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
“I’m helping” 😅
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
next level snooze
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.