BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
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him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
FRED: right
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
Oh boy, $150,000!
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?