There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
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*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Put the is in disheveled
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Love is in the air fryer.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me