A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
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I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
men: i like the natural no makeup look
me: that natural look took more makeup than bozo the clown
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy