Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
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If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!