This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
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Britain be like
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.