Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The pasta is now
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself