[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
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Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.