I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
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MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
They got Raph!
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting