I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
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My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!