need him
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I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.