If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
Best seat on the street 😍
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.