I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
You Might Also Like
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
the greatest twitter interaction
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
{bedazzling my new tee shirt}
DO NOT RESUSCITATE
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike: