My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
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Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Not helping
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME