*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
bears
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Autocorrect is my menesis