[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
getting groceries
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
I don’t mean to appear simple-minded but I don’t understand how snails made it to Noah’s Ark but unicorns didn’t.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.