[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
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I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
I feel it
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
When can I start eating bats again.
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.