[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
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Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.